Community Is a Verb
Why it takes time – and why to do it anyway
It’s a lonely time out there, friends. In fact, as you likely know, we’re so lonely that the last Surgeon General declared an epidemic. Even worse, loneliness will freaking kill ya. It increases your risk of heart disease, depression, and dementia. And I’m not talking about just being “alone”: walking in the woods, talking to yourself and casting spells. That’s my Friday night. I’m talking about being L-O-N-E-L-Y.
But what do you do about said somber sadness? Join up! Join literally anything. A knitting club for wizards. A spelunking team for treasure seekers. Heck, you could even join an anti-club club or a tricycle gang. The point is to join. To bring your awesome sauce and spill it in the soup.
However, I’m also not here to pretend that this is easy. That’s the point of the title of this piece. Community is a verb. It’s a blood-sweat-and-tears process, and it can be hard. Especially when it’s become so unnatural to our daily way of life. But I think it’s worth it – and I can prove it. Take a journey with me.
A good boy who lost his good
It may SHOCK you to know that growing up I was a good boy. After all, it takes a real heavy-metal badass to write a nerdy climate newsletter once a month. I needed glasses at seven and I got bullied for being a pudgy prince. (Did you know my favorite book was Bert and Ernie Go to the Grocery Store? I liked looking at the food…)
But I was a part of things! I was a Boy Scout (check the pic out below) and I volunteered my little behind off. I started my high school’s choir (no, I cannot sing). Sometimes, I caused a little good-natured trouble. I was even on some sports teams, even though, one time (and this is true), everyone came up to me after a game and said “thanks for making us lose.” Community is…messy.
But all around me, American was slowly losing its grip on joining up. As Bob Putnam covers in his very famous research (including his book, Bowling Alone), America has slowly lost its penchant for joining things. In some of the key periods Bob studies, he found a:
66% decline in union membership (60’s-10’s)
50% decline in club attendance (70’s-90’s)
35% decline in religious affiliation (60’s-20’s)
40% decline in public meeting attendance (70’s-90’s)
60% decline in the annual number of picnics (70’s-90’s) – this one is particularly upsetting to me as a lover of hot dogs
And ultimately, this impacts our democracy. When people aren’t a part of things, they grow more skeptical and cynical. Voter turnout fell from 62.8% in 1960 to 48.9% in 1996. And when I finally came of age, it was a time when the expectation was that you would just start working and stop seeing other people. Grind it out at your 9-5, watch some Netflix, and get in bed for nightmare time.
Joining is genuinely hard work
Still, the solution – the medicine, if you will – is not easy. I’ve spent the last five years trying to build some community for myself, and it takes some serious chutzpah. Especially when you’re a neurodivergent sad lad with a penchant for potatoes. But join I did.
I’ve worked probably three hundred shifts at the food pantry. I joined my progressive church where they have an environmental club. I joined my local Chicago chapter of Citizens’ Climate. But here’s the thing about joining: it’s not going to feel good right away.
I mean sure, there’s some fun to be had along the way. I’ve met people for ice cream. I’ve cleaned up local parks. I’ve tabled at farmers’ markets. But there’s also a long stretch of time when no one knows who you are yet and you have to keep showing up. Basically, before you stop feeling lonely, you’ll feel lonelier than ever.
Humans are skeptical, cautious creatures. We’re essentially afraid of each other, and social awkwardness produces the same effect in the brain as PHYSICAL PAIN. But people are also really nice. They want to like you. After all, the people you meet when you join are joiners themselves. Here’s a few tips:
Start a secret list in your phone of people you meet (not as creepy as it sounds). Just jot down their name, a description, and something they told you about themselves. It allows you to say – “Ah, Bella! Good to see you! How are Edward and the other vampires?”
Create a signature laugh. Mine sounds a bit like Seth Rogen. But just keep laughing at stuff, it’s great
Be vulnerable. If something feels weird, say so. If you’re like “I was nervous to come here, but it’s so cool!” People will be like “oh, dang, yeah, me too.”
JUST KEEP GOING. GO EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO GO
The sweet fruits of this laborious orchard
And here, finally, is where the good news comes in. One day, people will recognize you. They don’t have creepy secret lists in their phones, so it takes time. But it will be organic. They’ll see you come in the door, and instead of being afraid, they’ll think “Oh, yeah, I know that guy! That’s JH Tomen!”
And then, you’re in. You’ll actually start enjoying the things you go to. You’ll surprise even yourself. After all, even if you’re an introvert, you probably like socialization. You just don’t like Capital-S-STRANGERS. But once people know you, you know them too.
And last night, dear readers, I really got to see what all this community can create. With the help of my incredibly talented friends at Citizens’ Climate, we put on a movie night for the record books. We booked a theater at The Davis in Lincoln Square and invited strangers out to see Join or Die, a documentary about Bob Putnam’s work on loneliness and club affiliation. We were literally doing the thing!
And the people came. We honest-to-goodness filled a movie theater with people. We invited a Congressman to speak and he spoke. We had people taking selfies at the selfie station. And afterward, people stayed at the movie theater’s bar ‘til the wee hours hamming it up with some well-deserved brewskis. In short, it was magical. And everyone who watched that documentary left with the same idea: “I got to join a club.”
So, get out there you beautiful creatures. Start a flamingo-pink biker gang. Go to the Pink Pony Club. Start a stuffed animal exchange. Rip it up with a clambake. Join up. Save our country.
With love,
JH
*Art by Charles-Nicolas Cochin I after Francois Boucher, Village Fair, 1740, courtesy National Gallery of Art
**Email header art by Karl Nilsson (sigvardnilsson on instagram), includes portions of Beck's Castle Ruins by László Mednyánszky Denbigh Castle, W he ales by Edward Dayes & Paysage de la Grand Chartreuse attributed to Jean Lubin Vauzelle